I returned home from a two-day offsite meeting with our staff last week. Upon arrival, I found Cathy organizing something in our bedroom. To make a long story short, she was switching our stuff around from one side of our bedstead shelves to the other. We experimented with changing the side we each sleep on and decided to make it "permanent." That meant that her "stuff" was on my side of the bed and vice versa. She didn't ask for my help -- she just did it.
A little later, I discovered that she had beautifully organized the shelves on my new side. She even switched drawers around to place them correctly.
I'm organized, too. My socks are in a sock drawer. That's because nothing else can be stuffed in there. But I'll never be organized like Cathy.
So I quit trying. Actually, I shouldn't be organized like her. If we were both like that, we'd drive each other crazy! She has a systematic approach to life that I have learned and benefited from. Consequently, I'm more organized that I could have imagined when I was younger.
Do you have anyone like that in your life?
Showing posts with label Marriage Fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage Fun. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Who's That?
Who's that cute little blonde girl walking across the campus with an armload of books? She looks like a serious student -- far too serious for a goofball like me!
Maybe that's why I was afraid to ask her out. Until a friend told me she might -- she juST MIGHT -- say yes!
I asked.
She affirmed.
We went.
Whirlwind-like!
Until...
"I DO!"
37 years ago today.
Happy Anniversary, Love of my life!!!
Maybe that's why I was afraid to ask her out. Until a friend told me she might -- she juST MIGHT -- say yes!
I asked.
She affirmed.
We went.
Whirlwind-like!
Until...
"I DO!"
37 years ago today.
Happy Anniversary, Love of my life!!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Complementing Your Spouse
"If you agree with each other all the time, one of you isn't necessary." I don't remember where I heard that sage advice, but it just might set you free in your marriage.
Someone commented this week about their "middle ground" on decisions. Bravo! Cathy and I discovered early on that we needed to reach agreement on all major choices regarding our marriage and our family.
I can't tell you how many times I felt frustrated when she didn't feel good about a certain decision. I also can't remember all the times her hesitance saved us from disaster.
On the other hand, we have needed to move forward on something occasionally and my awareness of it helped Cathy see it.
You see, we need each other.
We complete each other.
We rescue each other.
And we often drive each other crazy!
How about you?
Someone commented this week about their "middle ground" on decisions. Bravo! Cathy and I discovered early on that we needed to reach agreement on all major choices regarding our marriage and our family.
I can't tell you how many times I felt frustrated when she didn't feel good about a certain decision. I also can't remember all the times her hesitance saved us from disaster.
On the other hand, we have needed to move forward on something occasionally and my awareness of it helped Cathy see it.
You see, we need each other.
We complete each other.
We rescue each other.
And we often drive each other crazy!
How about you?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Life Lessons From Marriage
After Cathy and I had been married for a few years, we went on a little retreat. I can't really remember where we went, but it was some kind of Christian camp and it was off-season. That means we were about the only ones there. We took a walk and noticed a tether ball just hanging there begging for a game.
Now I'm a reasonably good-hearted guy and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to spoil the great time we were having. Therefore, I decided to "take it easy" on her. She immediate took advantage of the situation and demolished me! Certain that I had made it too simple for her to win, I amped it up a bit. She stomped me again! After several games and total humiliation of my male ego, we (blessedly) quit.
It turns out that Cathy is quite a competitor and she LOVES games. We play some sort of table game at mealtime almost every day and sometimes we play at both lunch and supper. It only takes 10 or 15 minutes and it's an important part of our marriage. Our current game is a fast-paced double solitaire we call Pounce. Some of you call it Nerts. We both have winning streaks from time to time and she is currently heaping me with daily doses of humility.
Still, I hate to lose! It's as if a volcano erupts within me when I can't seem to get ahead. Why is that? Am I really so fragile that a meaningless table game can spoil my meal? How does that fit in with love, joy, peace, gentleness and all those other "fruity" things Paul wrote about in Galatians 5?
What are you learning about yourself when your spouse makes you tense?
Now I'm a reasonably good-hearted guy and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to spoil the great time we were having. Therefore, I decided to "take it easy" on her. She immediate took advantage of the situation and demolished me! Certain that I had made it too simple for her to win, I amped it up a bit. She stomped me again! After several games and total humiliation of my male ego, we (blessedly) quit.
It turns out that Cathy is quite a competitor and she LOVES games. We play some sort of table game at mealtime almost every day and sometimes we play at both lunch and supper. It only takes 10 or 15 minutes and it's an important part of our marriage. Our current game is a fast-paced double solitaire we call Pounce. Some of you call it Nerts. We both have winning streaks from time to time and she is currently heaping me with daily doses of humility.
Still, I hate to lose! It's as if a volcano erupts within me when I can't seem to get ahead. Why is that? Am I really so fragile that a meaningless table game can spoil my meal? How does that fit in with love, joy, peace, gentleness and all those other "fruity" things Paul wrote about in Galatians 5?
What are you learning about yourself when your spouse makes you tense?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
WHY did you do THAT?
(Women, you have my permission to hide this post from your husbands.)
(Men, don't dare use what I say here to excuse insensitivity to that lady in your life.)
A woman we know told Cathy about the apparent impact of Sunday's sermon on her marriage. "My husband bought me flowers. Very pretty ones!"
I have a secret to share with you. If I bought Cathy flowers, she would ask why I spent perfectly good money on something that will sit around for a few days, then wilt and die. She made it clear when we were young: "If you want to do something romantic, buy me See's Candy."
We're older now and pretty focused on things like diet and exercise, so neither of us eats much chocolate. Besides, we read The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
a few years ago. That's where I learned what she really needs from me in order to feel loved.
It's not flowers.
It's not chocolate, either.
Have you and your mate figured this one out?
(Men, don't dare use what I say here to excuse insensitivity to that lady in your life.)
A woman we know told Cathy about the apparent impact of Sunday's sermon on her marriage. "My husband bought me flowers. Very pretty ones!"
I have a secret to share with you. If I bought Cathy flowers, she would ask why I spent perfectly good money on something that will sit around for a few days, then wilt and die. She made it clear when we were young: "If you want to do something romantic, buy me See's Candy."
We're older now and pretty focused on things like diet and exercise, so neither of us eats much chocolate. Besides, we read The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
a few years ago. That's where I learned what she really needs from me in order to feel loved.
It's not flowers.
It's not chocolate, either.
Have you and your mate figured this one out?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Dawning Of My Electronic Age...
...through a labor-inducing device!
In case you haven't read it here before...I am NOT a morning person. People who know me are rather surprised by that -- I am up between 5 and 6 a.m. most days. But, in the "olden days", the story was different.
Cathy, on the other hand, loves the earliest part of the day. During college, she often arose at 4 a.m. to study. Her dorm was quiet during those hours and she tended to fall asleep early anyway.
At the start of our marriage, Cathy would turn into a pumpkin as early as 10:00 p.m. and get up before the sun. I would do the reverse, trying to get to sleep by midnight or 1 a.m. and waking up at 7 or later.
There was a problem. One alarm clock. I didn't think much of it. My "scheduled" wife would use the alarm to nudge her awake in the morning and she would nudge me a couple hours later. The only thing, as all non-morning people understand -- is that one nudge usually didn't get the job done.
The first nudge had to be followed by a solid "shoulder-shake." I need to explain this one. My sweet, petite wife was also in gymnastics as a kid. (Think muscle-wrenching, bone-jarring, fingers-bleeding pain.) She quickly learned that she needed to shake my shoulders assertively. Two or three times our neighbors placed calls to the weather service about what they were sure was an earthquake.
When that didn't work (it usually didn't), Cathy would turn the lights on and make continuous noise all around me. Finally, bless her soul, she would yell, "It's 8:15! Are you going in at 9:00 today? Are you still going to ride your bike? Are you going to shower?"
About that time I would get some tiny message way down in the fog of my brain and think, "I'd better get up." Over the next few minutes, I would gradually accelerate to full speed. That means I would starting rushing like a runaway freight train and get angry at anything or anyone who slowed me down.
For some strange reason, Cathy didn't like this arrangement. I can't for the life of me figure out her problem. My puzzlement didn't change her resolve that we must do things differently.
The day came. She told me that, from then on, she would awaken me ONE time. I got to set the moment for the wake-up call, but she would not be my snooze button. I couldn't believe her "selfishness" when she refused to do what I wanted.
But I adapted. At first, I crawled out of my fog before it swallowed me again. Then. One day. I fell back asleep. I was late. It was horrible. I blamed Cathy. She refused to accept my responsibility.
Gradually I got my own alarm clock. By that time, I didn't really need a snooze button. I'm still not a morning person. But I'll be up early tomorrow. Probably out running before the sun comes up.
Thanks, Cathy!
Dear reader, what bad habit did you have to break in your marriage?
In case you haven't read it here before...I am NOT a morning person. People who know me are rather surprised by that -- I am up between 5 and 6 a.m. most days. But, in the "olden days", the story was different.
Cathy, on the other hand, loves the earliest part of the day. During college, she often arose at 4 a.m. to study. Her dorm was quiet during those hours and she tended to fall asleep early anyway.
At the start of our marriage, Cathy would turn into a pumpkin as early as 10:00 p.m. and get up before the sun. I would do the reverse, trying to get to sleep by midnight or 1 a.m. and waking up at 7 or later.
There was a problem. One alarm clock. I didn't think much of it. My "scheduled" wife would use the alarm to nudge her awake in the morning and she would nudge me a couple hours later. The only thing, as all non-morning people understand -- is that one nudge usually didn't get the job done.
The first nudge had to be followed by a solid "shoulder-shake." I need to explain this one. My sweet, petite wife was also in gymnastics as a kid. (Think muscle-wrenching, bone-jarring, fingers-bleeding pain.) She quickly learned that she needed to shake my shoulders assertively. Two or three times our neighbors placed calls to the weather service about what they were sure was an earthquake.
When that didn't work (it usually didn't), Cathy would turn the lights on and make continuous noise all around me. Finally, bless her soul, she would yell, "It's 8:15! Are you going in at 9:00 today? Are you still going to ride your bike? Are you going to shower?"
About that time I would get some tiny message way down in the fog of my brain and think, "I'd better get up." Over the next few minutes, I would gradually accelerate to full speed. That means I would starting rushing like a runaway freight train and get angry at anything or anyone who slowed me down.
For some strange reason, Cathy didn't like this arrangement. I can't for the life of me figure out her problem. My puzzlement didn't change her resolve that we must do things differently.
The day came. She told me that, from then on, she would awaken me ONE time. I got to set the moment for the wake-up call, but she would not be my snooze button. I couldn't believe her "selfishness" when she refused to do what I wanted.
But I adapted. At first, I crawled out of my fog before it swallowed me again. Then. One day. I fell back asleep. I was late. It was horrible. I blamed Cathy. She refused to accept my responsibility.
Gradually I got my own alarm clock. By that time, I didn't really need a snooze button. I'm still not a morning person. But I'll be up early tomorrow. Probably out running before the sun comes up.
Thanks, Cathy!
Dear reader, what bad habit did you have to break in your marriage?
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Fightless Club
38 mpg! (Your actual mileage may vary.) Lifetime warranty! Money-back guarantee! An argument-free marriage!
Those are just a few of life's famous misconceptions. The problem is that Cathy and I said our vows actually believing the last one.
You see, we both grew up in healthy homes where our parents loved each other, loved their kids and loved God. Cathy may have heard her parents argue once. I never heard even that. Consequently, we entered marriage with the faulty belief that we we could have a life together without arguments.
Some of you are laughing at our naiveté. "Surely," you think, "you didn't really believe such a thing!"
Surely we did! We were so certain of our commitment that we quietly scoffed at the pastor (age of our parents) for whom Cathy worked during the summer of our wedding. He kept warning her that marriage isn't always easy. "Too bad he has a conflict-ridden marriage," we thought. "Because we won't."
That lasted a couple of months. Then, wham!
After that argument, Cathy gave me a rock to indicate the strength of our relationship. She wrote me a letter telling her side of a commitment that it would never happen again.
But it did.
And it kept happening. We're coming up on 37 years and still have conflict sometimes.
I'm sure glad we were taught about forgiveness.
What misconceptions did you have when you got married?
Those are just a few of life's famous misconceptions. The problem is that Cathy and I said our vows actually believing the last one.
You see, we both grew up in healthy homes where our parents loved each other, loved their kids and loved God. Cathy may have heard her parents argue once. I never heard even that. Consequently, we entered marriage with the faulty belief that we we could have a life together without arguments.
Some of you are laughing at our naiveté. "Surely," you think, "you didn't really believe such a thing!"
Surely we did! We were so certain of our commitment that we quietly scoffed at the pastor (age of our parents) for whom Cathy worked during the summer of our wedding. He kept warning her that marriage isn't always easy. "Too bad he has a conflict-ridden marriage," we thought. "Because we won't."
That lasted a couple of months. Then, wham!
After that argument, Cathy gave me a rock to indicate the strength of our relationship. She wrote me a letter telling her side of a commitment that it would never happen again.
But it did.
And it kept happening. We're coming up on 37 years and still have conflict sometimes.
I'm sure glad we were taught about forgiveness.
What misconceptions did you have when you got married?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Birds, Bees And Bowling Balls
Bowling class. Tuesdays. 7:00 a.m. At a time in my life that I thought 7:00 only came around once a day. And it didn't have an "a.m." after it! But I needed a Physical Education credit and this provided it.
After orientation and a brief explanation of how to bowl (duh) with correct form (I actually didn't know) we were told to divide up into teams of three. The rest of the season we would be in competition. That meant each team must have a female/male mix.
I had few close friends in that early class and almost instantly they were on other teams. What should I do? Looking around to see who was there, I noticed her. Oh, I knew who she was. It was hard not to notice the cute, shy girl with the long, straight blonde hair as she walked across campus. We were also both natives of New Mexico, one state to the East.
But I was engaged. To someone else!
Oh. So was she.
So I got her attention and asked if she would like to be on a team with me. Our similar situations would take away any questions on the part of future spouses. She said, "Yes" and the semester of bowling got its start.
Something changed that fall. Not what you might think. What happened is that both of us ended up with broken engagements.
Looking back, I think we both wonder why we almost immediately started going out with other people. Part of it was that she was a good student, serious about her walk with God and full of self-discipline.
I was a goofball!
She tells me now that I fulfill one of the desires Anne Shirley had when thinking about a potential husband. She always wanted to marry a guy who could be bad!
Over they next few months on our small college campus, we flirted. I wrote her poems and told her they weren't personal. She became the bat girl of our intramural softball team. But I didn't ask her out.
I was afraid she would turn me down.
Finally, I got my courage up. After one of her friends told me that she would like to go out with me!
That first date with Cathy was 37 years ago this month.
........
I'm talking about marriage in church this weekend. If you are married, what attracted you to him/her?
After orientation and a brief explanation of how to bowl (duh) with correct form (I actually didn't know) we were told to divide up into teams of three. The rest of the season we would be in competition. That meant each team must have a female/male mix.
I had few close friends in that early class and almost instantly they were on other teams. What should I do? Looking around to see who was there, I noticed her. Oh, I knew who she was. It was hard not to notice the cute, shy girl with the long, straight blonde hair as she walked across campus. We were also both natives of New Mexico, one state to the East.
But I was engaged. To someone else!
Oh. So was she.
So I got her attention and asked if she would like to be on a team with me. Our similar situations would take away any questions on the part of future spouses. She said, "Yes" and the semester of bowling got its start.
Something changed that fall. Not what you might think. What happened is that both of us ended up with broken engagements.
Looking back, I think we both wonder why we almost immediately started going out with other people. Part of it was that she was a good student, serious about her walk with God and full of self-discipline.
I was a goofball!
She tells me now that I fulfill one of the desires Anne Shirley had when thinking about a potential husband. She always wanted to marry a guy who could be bad!
Over they next few months on our small college campus, we flirted. I wrote her poems and told her they weren't personal. She became the bat girl of our intramural softball team. But I didn't ask her out.
I was afraid she would turn me down.
Finally, I got my courage up. After one of her friends told me that she would like to go out with me!
That first date with Cathy was 37 years ago this month.
........
I'm talking about marriage in church this weekend. If you are married, what attracted you to him/her?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Started Bad, Got Worse, Ended Better
Cathy and I were in the first or second year of our marriage (I think Lincoln was still President) when she got a major example of one of my anger implosions. You see, some people get angry by exploding. I get angry more spiritually (wink). I implode. Sometimes exceedingly.
Here's the situation. I was at at my office where I worked on a church staff in the Monterey, California area. A one-car-family (just the two of us), I rode my bicycle to the office most days. On this particular day, Cathy drove our car to Monterey Peninsula College for a class.
In the midst of my highly important schedule, my sweet little wife (the one who drove our only car) calls to tell me that she accidentally locked the keys in the car. I had to stop what I was doing and ask our Pastor if I could borrow his car to go rescue her.
Upon arrival, I borrowed a hanger, bent it to an appropriate angle and pulled the lock up. It was a 1968 Ford Galaxy 500 two-door hardtop -- probably worth a mint now -- and breaking in was easy enough that even I could do it. With steam wisping up from my ears. Cathy doesn't think I said a single word to her the entire time I was there.
When I arrived home that evening, I made it clear to Cathy that she had been careless. I know I belittled her. I didn't care.
I took the car the next morning. I had a class at the college. I wasn't angry anymore when I arrived, but I fully remembered the day before as I pulled into the same parking lot.
It was an early class and I was a bit early arriving. The morning was cool and it was quiet so I sat there in the car and did some last-minute studying. A few minutes later, it was time to go so I jumped out of the car and carefully locked and shut the door.
As I turned to walk away, I realized the keys were still in the ignition.
Here's the situation. I was at at my office where I worked on a church staff in the Monterey, California area. A one-car-family (just the two of us), I rode my bicycle to the office most days. On this particular day, Cathy drove our car to Monterey Peninsula College for a class.
In the midst of my highly important schedule, my sweet little wife (the one who drove our only car) calls to tell me that she accidentally locked the keys in the car. I had to stop what I was doing and ask our Pastor if I could borrow his car to go rescue her.
Upon arrival, I borrowed a hanger, bent it to an appropriate angle and pulled the lock up. It was a 1968 Ford Galaxy 500 two-door hardtop -- probably worth a mint now -- and breaking in was easy enough that even I could do it. With steam wisping up from my ears. Cathy doesn't think I said a single word to her the entire time I was there.
When I arrived home that evening, I made it clear to Cathy that she had been careless. I know I belittled her. I didn't care.
I took the car the next morning. I had a class at the college. I wasn't angry anymore when I arrived, but I fully remembered the day before as I pulled into the same parking lot.
It was an early class and I was a bit early arriving. The morning was cool and it was quiet so I sat there in the car and did some last-minute studying. A few minutes later, it was time to go so I jumped out of the car and carefully locked and shut the door.
As I turned to walk away, I realized the keys were still in the ignition.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
And Don't Come Out Until...
I heard it said that girls secretly want to marry their Daddy -- if he was a real Daddy and not some "low life." Boys, on the other hand, can't imagine being married to their mom...not in a million years!
Boys may love their mom and think she is the very best mom a guy could have, but the girl of his dreams is lots of things and "mom" isn't one of them. A guy fantasizes about being married to Rachel...she has a face like Rachel McAdams, a figure like Rachel Weisz, and cooks like Rachel Ray.
So, a boy finds that perfect girl and marries her. He doesn't even think too much after that about the whole "mom" thing until he discovers his bride isn't his mom in some special way that's important to him. And it's usually extreme. For instance, he didn't expect his young wife to cook like his mother, but she has trouble boiling water and can't even make toast in the toaster!
Then, he has some adjustments to make.
My adjustments weren't primarily with food. What Cathy didn't know how to cook, she learned. We have laughed about the number of times that she decided to try a new recipe out when we were entertaining guests. Usually it worked out. Usually.
My adjustments came in another form. I told you recently about my mom's mercy. Well, let's just say that I didn't marry my mom.
My first clue was very early in our marriage. As a kid, I often suffered with headaches. I have now been told they are a form of migraine. They were more frequent and debilitating than they are now...and...I happened to marry a girl who had endured one headache in her life until then (I have given her many more, but that's another story.).
Cathy just didn't understand my pain. I had grown up with this merciful mom who suffers frequently with migraines. Mom listened and consoled me. Mom doted over me, often letting me stay home from school because I was sick (I could have gone many of those times!). Mom checked on me and made me feel special. Cathy?
My second clue took place one day when I was working a crossword puzzle. The clue was "merciless." I knew the five-letter word began with "c" and ended with "y", but I couldn't figure it out. I finally consulted a dictionary...this was long before the internet. I looked up "merciless" and, there, next to the definition, was my wife's picture!
At least, that's how I remember it.
Cathy has a simple way of dealing with it when I am sick. She sends me to the bedroom, closes the door and says, "Don't come out until you're better!"
My health has vastly improved.
To the reader: I started joking about this in sermons many years ago. Cathy would come home from church and tell me about all the people who offered her sympathy. However, as the church grew and many people were attending who don't really know us well on a personal level, she asked me to explain that we have a great marriage. I tease her in public and she dishes it out often when we're among close friends and family.
Now you know.
Boys may love their mom and think she is the very best mom a guy could have, but the girl of his dreams is lots of things and "mom" isn't one of them. A guy fantasizes about being married to Rachel...she has a face like Rachel McAdams, a figure like Rachel Weisz, and cooks like Rachel Ray.
So, a boy finds that perfect girl and marries her. He doesn't even think too much after that about the whole "mom" thing until he discovers his bride isn't his mom in some special way that's important to him. And it's usually extreme. For instance, he didn't expect his young wife to cook like his mother, but she has trouble boiling water and can't even make toast in the toaster!
Then, he has some adjustments to make.
My adjustments weren't primarily with food. What Cathy didn't know how to cook, she learned. We have laughed about the number of times that she decided to try a new recipe out when we were entertaining guests. Usually it worked out. Usually.
My adjustments came in another form. I told you recently about my mom's mercy. Well, let's just say that I didn't marry my mom.
My first clue was very early in our marriage. As a kid, I often suffered with headaches. I have now been told they are a form of migraine. They were more frequent and debilitating than they are now...and...I happened to marry a girl who had endured one headache in her life until then (I have given her many more, but that's another story.).
Cathy just didn't understand my pain. I had grown up with this merciful mom who suffers frequently with migraines. Mom listened and consoled me. Mom doted over me, often letting me stay home from school because I was sick (I could have gone many of those times!). Mom checked on me and made me feel special. Cathy?
My second clue took place one day when I was working a crossword puzzle. The clue was "merciless." I knew the five-letter word began with "c" and ended with "y", but I couldn't figure it out. I finally consulted a dictionary...this was long before the internet. I looked up "merciless" and, there, next to the definition, was my wife's picture!
At least, that's how I remember it.
Cathy has a simple way of dealing with it when I am sick. She sends me to the bedroom, closes the door and says, "Don't come out until you're better!"
My health has vastly improved.
To the reader: I started joking about this in sermons many years ago. Cathy would come home from church and tell me about all the people who offered her sympathy. However, as the church grew and many people were attending who don't really know us well on a personal level, she asked me to explain that we have a great marriage. I tease her in public and she dishes it out often when we're among close friends and family.
Now you know.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Which D?
Drudgery? Disgusting? Dreaded?
OR
Desire? Discipline? Delight?
Julie commented on Sunday and asked how we move through the steps so that our relational world becomes enjoyable. I will give you an answer today, and I will speak from my own experience. In case I sound just a bit too "Pollyanna-ish", I want you to know up front that I don't have a perfect marriage...
...even though Cathy has a perfect husband. OUCH! She just slugged me!
(If you think I'm being a bit too egotistical, read this, about just one of my days of being a jerk. In other words, I don't often take myself seriously.)
Where was I? Oh! How does someone move from Desire to Discipline to Delight?
Most marriages, at least in this part of the world, begin with Desire. This is a family-friendly blog, so I will be careful how I put this. Most women desire a relationship with a man who will love them unconditionally and exclusively. They want a guy who will rejoice over every facet of them as persons. They want someone who will listen and care; someone who will share life with them.
Most men desire sex.
They enter into a relationship, both thinking about what they will receive from it and imagining this perfect, "happily ever after" world where those desires are met.
What they get is a dose of reality where he discovers that she wakes up with the worst breath of the day and she finds out that he leaves his dirty underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor. At this point good relationships MUST shift to Discipline.
The Discipline stage means that each person is learning to make adjustments to meet the needs of the other one. The male is learning to listen and (hopefully) to care. He blows it often, because his wife has much to say and wants him to be interested. When she sees him tuning out, she feels devalued.
In the meantime, the wife is learning that her husband has certain physical needs. Most wives, I believe, want to please their husband physically. However, if the husband who used to always listen, now watches endless sports on TV and plays endless video games, it becomes a matter of discipline to attend to physical intimacy. In simple terms, females are very attuned to emotional intimacy and males aren't.
The conflicts at this stage of the relationship can be world-shaking. Many couples seek outside help at this point and I highly recommend it. In fact, I have seen many marriages lost when one spouse begs to see a counselor and the other stoically refuses.
Moving from Discipline to Delight often takes years. During those years of Discipline, both partners are learning how to work through conflict. At the same time, the man becomes more attuned to the emotional needs of his wife and the wife grows more appreciative of this man who is beginning to fulfill her dream of a life-long, loving marriage.
After 36 years, for Cathy and me, it's Delight.
Sometimes.
I still have work to do.
How about you?
OR
Desire? Discipline? Delight?
Julie commented on Sunday and asked how we move through the steps so that our relational world becomes enjoyable. I will give you an answer today, and I will speak from my own experience. In case I sound just a bit too "Pollyanna-ish", I want you to know up front that I don't have a perfect marriage...
...even though Cathy has a perfect husband. OUCH! She just slugged me!
(If you think I'm being a bit too egotistical, read this, about just one of my days of being a jerk. In other words, I don't often take myself seriously.)
Where was I? Oh! How does someone move from Desire to Discipline to Delight?
Most marriages, at least in this part of the world, begin with Desire. This is a family-friendly blog, so I will be careful how I put this. Most women desire a relationship with a man who will love them unconditionally and exclusively. They want a guy who will rejoice over every facet of them as persons. They want someone who will listen and care; someone who will share life with them.
Most men desire sex.
They enter into a relationship, both thinking about what they will receive from it and imagining this perfect, "happily ever after" world where those desires are met.
What they get is a dose of reality where he discovers that she wakes up with the worst breath of the day and she finds out that he leaves his dirty underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor. At this point good relationships MUST shift to Discipline.
The Discipline stage means that each person is learning to make adjustments to meet the needs of the other one. The male is learning to listen and (hopefully) to care. He blows it often, because his wife has much to say and wants him to be interested. When she sees him tuning out, she feels devalued.
In the meantime, the wife is learning that her husband has certain physical needs. Most wives, I believe, want to please their husband physically. However, if the husband who used to always listen, now watches endless sports on TV and plays endless video games, it becomes a matter of discipline to attend to physical intimacy. In simple terms, females are very attuned to emotional intimacy and males aren't.
The conflicts at this stage of the relationship can be world-shaking. Many couples seek outside help at this point and I highly recommend it. In fact, I have seen many marriages lost when one spouse begs to see a counselor and the other stoically refuses.
Moving from Discipline to Delight often takes years. During those years of Discipline, both partners are learning how to work through conflict. At the same time, the man becomes more attuned to the emotional needs of his wife and the wife grows more appreciative of this man who is beginning to fulfill her dream of a life-long, loving marriage.
After 36 years, for Cathy and me, it's Delight.
Sometimes.
I still have work to do.
How about you?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Something To Crow About
aka My Life's Pecking Order.
Growing up on the farm has certain advantages when it comes to understand how certain -- er -- things work. That may be part of the reason I have remembered with a smile the pillow cases Cathy and I received as a wedding gift.
We think the pillow slips were cross-stitched by Cathy's paternal grandma. We are almost sure they were given to us by one of Cathy's aunts. Either way, they were part of the fun -- and the lore -- of our early years.
We did the right thing with that memorable gift: we used them. Until we used them up! They were nothing but a great memory...
...until this Christmas! I may be the only guy (don't worry -- I received one or two things with rechargeable batteries, too!) in the country who received pillow cases!
Voila! The 2008 Cathy rendition of our wedding pillow cases...
By now, you're probably wondering why I think of these pillow cases so fondly. As Paul Harvey says, here's the rest of the story...
Then, Cathy's!
Growing up on the farm has certain advantages when it comes to understand how certain -- er -- things work. That may be part of the reason I have remembered with a smile the pillow cases Cathy and I received as a wedding gift.
We think the pillow slips were cross-stitched by Cathy's paternal grandma. We are almost sure they were given to us by one of Cathy's aunts. Either way, they were part of the fun -- and the lore -- of our early years.
We did the right thing with that memorable gift: we used them. Until we used them up! They were nothing but a great memory...
...until this Christmas! I may be the only guy (don't worry -- I received one or two things with rechargeable batteries, too!) in the country who received pillow cases!
Voila! The 2008 Cathy rendition of our wedding pillow cases...
By now, you're probably wondering why I think of these pillow cases so fondly. As Paul Harvey says, here's the rest of the story...
First, MY pillow case...
Then, Cathy's!
Monday, October 20, 2008
I won!
I can't believe it, but I just won a game of Pounce! I've had to disconnect my wife's computer from the internet, though. I found her online looking for a tetherball (see "The Biggest Loser" post) to install in the backyard. My, my, my...
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