(Men, don't dare use what I say here to excuse insensitivity to that lady in your life.)
A woman we know told Cathy about the apparent impact of Sunday's sermon on her marriage. "My husband bought me flowers. Very pretty ones!"
I have a secret to share with you. If I bought Cathy flowers, she would ask why I spent perfectly good money on something that will sit around for a few days, then wilt and die. She made it clear when we were young: "If you want to do something romantic, buy me See's Candy."
We're older now and pretty focused on things like diet and exercise, so neither of us eats much chocolate. Besides, we read The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
a few years ago. That's where I learned what she really needs from me in order to feel loved.
It's not flowers.
It's not chocolate, either.
Have you and your mate figured this one out?
7 comments:
My husband has learned that I do respond well to things like flowers. For the longest time, he would never ever give me flowers. He felt the way your wife does- they are just going to die, what's the point. My point was that giving a gift isn't about the giver... it's about the recipient!
And I'm still trying to figure out what works with him... physical affection is a big thing for him feeling loved. He also appreciates being "bragged about."
I agree with Cathy about the flowers - THAT (and gift giving) was settled right away. Everything Larry does he does for me - with me in mind. (which means that he LISTENS {sometimes} - scary huh!)
As for me, I just don't know what I do for him. Nothing that I see. Any suggestions?
I have had the privilege of going away several times for women's retreats, girls' weekends, etc. throughout our marriage. Travis and the kids sometimes would make a banner that said, "Welcome Home, Mommy," or make me cards to welcome me home. I'll never forget the time that they made me a banner in Texas. I had been away on a women's church retreat. I saw the banner, but what loomed in my eyes was the VERY messy house behind them that was welcoming me. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I am a "Don't give me banners and cards" kind of mama. I'm a "Give me a pick-up house" kind of mama. Throughout the years I have been able to express this to my husband and he is gracious enough to understand. Now all five members of my family endeavor to pick up the house right before I come home. This is their way of showing me love (even though they don't understand the reason why that shows me love). The thing that I have learned, though, is that I better make sure to not arrive home earlier than expected!
My wife's language is quality time. She care's less about gifts and flowers although she enjoys them. She would much rather have a chunck of time that I or my kids are completly engaged in a conversation or activity with her. My son is getting ready to enter the Marines in August and so for her birthday she asked for date nights with my son before he leaves. She got her present.
As for me, I am a words of affirmation kind of guy. I like to be told that I am appreciated as a husband, that she is proud of me, even when I attempt something that she knows I am not good at, and encourage me to grow, and she never bads mouths me to her friends, but in fact says that she is grateful to be married to me. Those kinds of words fill my cup. I am the one grateful!
I need 'words of affirmation' (he feels like I want him to repeat himself over & over...which I guess I do!) And he responds to 'acts of service' which I gotta admit isn't my strong suit. But we're learning.
That's hillarious. Gifts is definitely NOT my love language either (it's actually the last on my list of 5) so guess what's Josh's? Yep. I have a nervous breakdown everytime a holiday, anniversary or birthday comes up because I DO NOT know how to pick out a gift.
I'm blushing, but I'm actually bilangual when it comes to this: Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. I always tell him "Hun, if you'd just do the laundry and write me a love letter than I'm yours forever...and act like it every single minute of the day." Amen.
Some of the things that work for us:
Holding hands. Saying thank you for all the little things (and really, really meaning it with every ounce of your soul). Phoning up just to say "I love you". Those crazy smiles when our eyes meet and we can't stop giggling.
I think we're lucky that we both like the same kind of things. Presents aren't really important but we like to treat one another (even if it's tiny things like who puts the kettle on next).
But flowers and chocolates are good too ;)
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